Keeping the Faith

I don't know if it is just the time of year, but my hope was waning this time last year, too.

You would think it would be a time of increased faith and hope and joy.

Maybe, partially, it has been nearly a year since my treatments ended, and nearly a year since I started earnestly longing for the reality of Hope in our lives.

Yet, it seems, we are no closer to seeing or understanding how it is she is to become real to us.

Thankfully, God is very REAL, especially at this time of year.

And he uses the season to infuse me with hope from His word. Here are some verses I have heard read this month that have significance to me in this journey:

"But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:19

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 (This was the verse God gave me for Michael when I was first pregnant with him. It took on great meaning as we learned what it meant to be "saved". Also, God revealved to me last month the significance of the verse's location: 3:17. It is also Michael's birthday 3/17/07.)

And I continue to receive gifts of hope, from Kim, Marie, my Mom and M3. They adorn my home and serve as reminders not to give up. To keep the faith.

Adoption ban lifted

I just received an email from the Guatamala adoption yahoo group I am a member of linking an article that confirms the ban has been lifted.

I don't know what to think about that. It seems to be settled in my heart that adoption was not the route we would take.

All I can do is continue to pray . . .

Heart turning

God is changing my heart again.

I am now nearly a year from being healed from the burden of my grief of losing Michael. And a year from feeling called to adopt a child.

Now I am feeling called NOT to adopt.

I think God wants me to have another baby.

My body is healed. I have waited faithfully (although not always gracefully.) And my heart is not aching for a Guatemalan baby anymore.

It would be nice just to say things were the same. That I would keep being patient and that eventually Guatemala would open up and we would find Hope there.

But I think, maybe, God was just having me wait to get to this point of health.

I am prayerful that God would even give me my "Christmas present" of not having to do chemo in December because I am pregnant.

I have no doubt, though, that His plan is perfect.

Good News

regarding my health.

Not only was my quarterly CT scan clear this week, but "there has also been interval improvement/near complete resolution of post-radiation inflammatory changes involving anterior lungs".

Basically, I am cancer free and now almost completely/completely free of any damage from the proton radiation!

There is supposed to be unavoidable burning and permanent damage done when you have radiation. Our thought was, by doing proton, that we would minimize such side effects. But it appears that God has seen fit to heal that completely as well.

I am so thankful!

Michael's 2nd birthday

Today would have been Michael's second birthday.

Some things get easier and some harder as time goes by.

Mickey is getting to be such a big boy now, that I am really missing having a "little one" in the house.

I will always miss Michael being in the house.

Mickey asked recently if Michael was alive, where would he be?

I told him that Michael would be home, with us.

I think Mickey misses Michael being in the house, too.

Patience

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him . . ." Psalm 37:7

I am currently doing a devotional book entitled, The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, which led me to the scripture in Jeremiah 27:11. I am using the Max Lucado Inspirational Study Bible as my Bible for my quiet time, and the following was the "Life Lesson" from the Jeremiah verse:

"The ability to accept delay graciously. Calmly. Quietly. Understandingly. With a smile. If the robe of purity is far above rubies, the garment of patience is even beyond that. Why? Because its threads of unselfishness and kindness are woven on the Lord's loom, guided within our lives by the Spirit of God. But, alas, the garment seldom clothes us!

Remember the verse?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace . . .

And what else? The first three are the necessary style along with the buttons and zipper of the garment. The rest give it color and beauty:

. . . patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control . . .(Galatians 5:22-23)

The ability to accept delay. Or disappointment. To smile back at setbacks and respond with a pleasant, understanding spirit. To cool it while others around you curse it. For a change, I refused to be hassled by today's delay. I asked God to keep me calm and cheerful, relaxed and refreshed. Know what? He did. He really did! No pills. No booze. No hocus-pocus. Just relaxing in the power of Jesus."

From Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life by Charles Swindoll

So I have been linked from hope to patience. I found it very fitting for today.

Hope Deferred

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I am trying to be patient. But my heart is sick. I feel a huge burden of the weight of other people's problems. I am truly, earnestly praying for them. God can take the burden and bear it much better than I can.

Yet somehow, my heart is still sick. I am not sure what it is. Hormones. Chemo. Turning 40.

It has been a long time since my heart hurt this bad. I cried today over Michael. I cried because it seems Hope may never come.

I contemplated taking down the tree. Giving away all my little clothes I have in storage. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

It hasn't been a good day. I pray tomorrow is better.

Two Things

This morning during announcement time at the end of worship, J, a college student, announced that he was going on a mission trip to Guatemala to work in an orphanage.

He is leaving on May 28, four days after I share my testimony through song in worship.

Also, in talking to Don about what we would do while we were in Hawaii (we leave May 29), he mentioned that J.P. and his wife (he was the man sitting across from me when I felt the Holy Spirit direct me to Guatemala as the location for Hope) would be there and that maybe we could go to dinner with them.

I really believe that they (or their family in Guatemala) will be of some assistance to us as we progress on the journey and I am excited to share how God is leading us with them.

How will God use these two things?

Moving Toward God

I was listening to Tony Evans today on KSBJ and he was speaking about the Isrealites.

When they came to the Jordan River, it was parted for them. But only AFTER they followed the instruction of God: "Give this command to the priests who carry the Ark of the Covenant: ‘When you reach the banks of the Jordan River, take a few steps into the river and stop there.’” Joshua 3:8

Tony talked about how sometimes God is ready to make things happen in our lives, often great things, but we have to take that step toward God. We have to hear his instruction and follow it.

That made me think of His calling to me to sing the song, "Our Hope Endures" in church. Being that I have never sung a solo in any kind of public venue, it is a "step" of faith I must take (and a very big one in my book) in order to move towards God and allow Him to work on this journey.

I am scheduled to sing it in church on Sunday, May 24.

Always on my Mind

While I don't always have a lot to say about our journey to finding Hope, she is always on my mind. I wear a ring that says "hope". I have several necklaces that say "hope". My "hope tree" is still up in my kitchen with many ornaments, plus other items that continue to be given to me bearing the message "hope".

There are times I feel myself almost becoming panicky thinking that she is out there somewhere and I can't get to her or bring her to me.

But I am reminded, as I have often had to be reminded regarding the rest of my children, God loves her more than I could ever possibly love her. And she is in the palm of His hand.

I can't imagine her being in a better place.

When Hope is Hard to Find

We were listening to Chris Tomlin's "Hello Love" CD in the car the other day and M3 was obviously listening to the words to the song, "Love". The first line is, "When your hope is hard to find . . ." and she repeated it to me, excitedly.

The kids are so aware of the journey we are on. It is so abstract, but at the same time, it is SO real. God is with us in it, and He gives us glimpses of His presence as we take it one day at a time.

Getting in the Game

I have told the kids a little about how I am hoping to adopt, how it will take a long time, and how expensive it is.

We drove by Sonic, and as usual, most everyone was begging to stop and get something.

M2 said, "No, we need to save our money for Hope!"

Tonight M2, M3 and M4 were busy outside with neighbors manning a lemonade stand.

When they closed up shop, M2 and M3 came in and each handed me $1.75. "That's for Hope," they said.

Pondering

In my beginnings post, I mentioned how when the Holy Spirit spoke to me about having another child, I treasured it in my heart, like Mary when the shepherds came to visit Jesus (Luke 2:19).

I didn't realize there is another time in scripture that it says she treasured something being revealed to her about her son. It was read today during the "children's sermon" at church. When Jesus is left behind in Jerusalem at the temple and Mary and Joseph go back to get him. When they ask why and what have you been doing? Jesus answers, "Why were you searching for me? Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" It goes on to say that his parents did not understand. BUT, Mary treasured all these things in her heart. (Luke 2: 48-51)

God has reassured me today. Despite the fact Mary KNEW her child was the Son of God, there were many things she and Joseph did not understand. They were human. And God gradually revealed to them the deity of their child.

I know that Hope is out there. She is meant to be a part of our family. And gradually, God is revealing His plan for her and for us. If He gave it to me all at once, there is no way I could understand it all.

I understand more now that I did two years ago, as we faced Michael's death (two years ago today I went into the hospital to be induced after finding no heartbeat on ultrasound). I understand more than I did one year ago, when I wanted desperately to have another child, but was not pregnant. I understand more than I did last summer, when we suddenly made plans to go to Colorado and the YMCA of the Rockies - the place God promised I would not return before I had another child. But I will understand more next week, next month and next year as God continues to reveal His plan.

And as He does, I will treasure it all in my heart.

A Direction?

Don has pretty much ruled out foster-to-adopt, which was where I was leaning.

And every time I go to an adoption site dedicated to adopting newborns, I feel guilty. I have had the priveledge of having four newborns of my own, and there are so many out there who cannot have even one. In my heart, I feel like I would be taking a baby away from someone.

That leaves adopting an older child domestically or international adoption.

Tonight we went to dinner at The Taste of Texas with Don's business group. It is one our favorite restaurants and happens to be the place where we had dinner the night before I started treatment for my cancer.

It seemed a fitting bookend to "the other side" of cancer.

While we were there, I met one of Don's colleagues, J.P., who happened to be from Guatemala. We talked about many things with several other colleagues. And as it turned out, he ended up sitting at our end of the table of over 20 people.

As I was sitting there, conversing with all the people around me the thought occured to me: "What if J.P. was put here to direct me to the idea of adopting specifically from Guatemala?"

A short time later, the restaurant was clearing out, and it was getting quiet. I could hear music playing over the intercom system. The song playing was "Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant. It is a song that God had given me (through a friend) last month and I had been listening to it daily.

I felt like that was a sign that yes, I was going in the right direction.

Valentine's Day

Radiation is complete.

I am ready to start looking to the future.

Adoption in general is just plain overwhelming. There is domestic, international (and if so, which country), foster-to-adopt? Boy or Girl? How do we pay for it?

I pray constantly that God will guide me in the direction He would have us go.

I have been researching adoption options, talking with others who have been there, gathering information, etc.

When Don and I went to lunch today, I asked him about how he was feeling about adoption, explained to him the different things I was considering, and asked what he thought about it all.

He is very preoccupied with our church building project. The building won't be started until the fall. And there are a lot of things that must happen before the foundation can be laid.

It is heavy on his mind and he really feels he cannot consider adoption until the building is started.

He is doing what God has called him to do. I am setting about doing what God has called me to do. And I pray that, over time, God will steer his heart towards adoption as well.

My Hope Tree

Many friends gave me ornaments with the word "hope" on them over Christmas.

When I took my big tree down I hated to put the "hope" ornaments away. Because there is still so much to "hope" for in the coming months.

My "hope tree" is about 2 feet tall with white lights and sits on my kitchen counter now.

I really feel like God wants me to keep the word "hope" in front of me. To remind me that He is leading me. To keep me focused on where He will lead us in the coming months as I complete my cancer treatment.

I even buy jewelry that says "hope" on it, to have the word with me all the time.

I have been able to take the time to listen to a CD my friend, Mary Ann, gave me back in December as I drive to and from radiation every day. It is by Natalie Grant and there is a song on it entitled "Our Hope Endures". Every time I listen to it, and as I have learned the words, sing with it, I can't help but weep.

And every time I listen to it, the Spirit speaks to me and gently tells me that I am to sing that song for my church. WOW! I have never sung a solo ANYWHERE before!

I have to stop crying before I can even try . . .