Hope

In this week of Advent, celebrating the hope of the coming Saviour, God has spoken to me regarding a child, once again. He has renewed my hope for this child. He has said I have given you this desire and I will fulfill it. He has said watch and listen, while you anticipate the coming of my Son in human form. I will continue to speak to you regarding my will for you and this child. Just watch and listen.

“Like searching for water in a land without rain, I will find you.” Matthew and Lizi Bailey sang this morning in worship . . .

For nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37 (read this morning in worship)

He has said, this child’s name is “Hope”. Find what I say about Hope in my Word.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

There is surely a future Hope for you, and your Hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:25

I have promised you this child for a long time. The promise of this child has allowed you to see past your cancer. To see the future and know that it is yours.

Your endurance inspired by Hope . . . 1 Thessalonians 1:3

Healing from the Pain of Grief

Amy, a friend of mine at church, made a comment to me on Sunday. She told me I looked better than I have in a LONG time. She referred how I looked better than I have, really, since we lost Michael (M5). That was a year and a half ago.

WOW. People must have become accustomed to a new "look" about me since then.

It is true, losing Michael, for me, did indeed age me. I was weary and worn. I didn't doubt God's hand in it for one single minute, but it was still a heavy loss for me to bear.

There were times where I would see a baby who would be about his age, hear a song that reminded me of him, or I would just miss him and I would feel like my heart was literally being ripped from my chest. It was painful.

I would cry out to God to heal my broken heart. There are four kids here on earth who need me to be their mother, too. I couldn't understand why I couldn't let go.

Maybe it was a choice, maybe not. I really FELT like I was trying to let him go.

Amy's comment has stuck with me for the last several days, playing over and over in my mind. I believed her, but just attributed it to the "antibiotics" doing their job. What was the significance in her words that I couldn't shake?

Today it hit me: I am healed. I made it through Michael's due date without a single tear. The songs don't hurt. Babies are cute again. God has answered my prayer and healed my broken heart! And not only is it on the inside, but visible in my countenance as well.

When He woke me up the other night and told me to praise Him for healing me - this was it!! Praise You, God, for healing me!!

Peace

My friend, L, took me to have my CT scan. She insisted that someone come with me, and I was glad she did.

After filling out paperwork and waiting a short time, I was taken back for my scan.

It went quickly and the techs allowed me to get a look at the images, so I would have an idea what to tell Don when I picked him up from the airport.

Yes, indeed, I had a mass. Even the techs seemed surprised at its size.

Here is another excerpt from The Dust Bunny Chronicles:

It is hard to describe my emotion exactly, afterward. But I was not scared. Somehow, I was totally at peace with the whole thing. A peace that passes understanding.

I attribute some (if not all) of that peace to what I believed to be a promise from God. He had given me a desire for another child. He was guiding me toward adoption. There was meant to be a another child in our future.

And I would have to live to see that promise fulfulled.

You have a mass

(from my original blog - thedustbunnychronicles.blogspot.com)

My doctor called first thing this morning. "You have a mass in your lung," she told me. "I am so sorry." She didn't even want to call me. She wanted to call my husband. But she knew he was out of town and she had no choice.

They have scheduled me for a CT scan on Monday.

Should I be worried about this?

I can't tell my husband. He's not due back until Monday, and by then, everything might be O.K. Plus, I hate to ruin the last days of his vacation by causing worry.

(This blog didn't exist yet, so he couldn't have found out here.)

I worry a little on my own, with a few friends and my parents. But worrying is not in my nature. I am the eternal optimist. Surely, everything will be alright. (I did start taking the antibiotics, just to be on the safe side . . .)

Disappointment

We went to Colorado, to the YMCA of the Rockies, and I was not pregnant. Not only that, but I was sick. Little did I know just how sick I was.

I started considering that possibly there was a child out there God had just for us. He or She existed. He or She may have already been conceived or born. Maybe He spoke to me about adoption on my birthday for a reason.

We're going to Colorado?

Within weeks after my birthday, we were planning a trip to Colorado to include a stop at the YMCA of the Rockies.

I thought about what I had heard God say to me last time we were there and assumed I would be pregnant by the time we got there. If I was going to have another child, surely that was what He has meant, right?

God, I'm MAD!

Today was my birthday. The longer the day went, the madder I got.

I was VERY ANGRY at God. I missed Michael terribly. It was my birthday and I was so sad. I had to get out of the house. I left the family eating pizza at the table and went for a walk with Feller (our dog). I walked and had it out with God.

As I walked, and prayed, and cried, God impressed upon me that I should talk to Don about adoption. I felt a great peace about it, but for some reason, I didn't tell Don.

I think, deep down inside, I felt like as long as I was still "fertile" why couldn't I just "have" another child?