Hope Deferred

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I am trying to be patient. But my heart is sick. I feel a huge burden of the weight of other people's problems. I am truly, earnestly praying for them. God can take the burden and bear it much better than I can.

Yet somehow, my heart is still sick. I am not sure what it is. Hormones. Chemo. Turning 40.

It has been a long time since my heart hurt this bad. I cried today over Michael. I cried because it seems Hope may never come.

I contemplated taking down the tree. Giving away all my little clothes I have in storage. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

It hasn't been a good day. I pray tomorrow is better.

Two Things

This morning during announcement time at the end of worship, J, a college student, announced that he was going on a mission trip to Guatemala to work in an orphanage.

He is leaving on May 28, four days after I share my testimony through song in worship.

Also, in talking to Don about what we would do while we were in Hawaii (we leave May 29), he mentioned that J.P. and his wife (he was the man sitting across from me when I felt the Holy Spirit direct me to Guatemala as the location for Hope) would be there and that maybe we could go to dinner with them.

I really believe that they (or their family in Guatemala) will be of some assistance to us as we progress on the journey and I am excited to share how God is leading us with them.

How will God use these two things?

Moving Toward God

I was listening to Tony Evans today on KSBJ and he was speaking about the Isrealites.

When they came to the Jordan River, it was parted for them. But only AFTER they followed the instruction of God: "Give this command to the priests who carry the Ark of the Covenant: ‘When you reach the banks of the Jordan River, take a few steps into the river and stop there.’” Joshua 3:8

Tony talked about how sometimes God is ready to make things happen in our lives, often great things, but we have to take that step toward God. We have to hear his instruction and follow it.

That made me think of His calling to me to sing the song, "Our Hope Endures" in church. Being that I have never sung a solo in any kind of public venue, it is a "step" of faith I must take (and a very big one in my book) in order to move towards God and allow Him to work on this journey.

I am scheduled to sing it in church on Sunday, May 24.

Always on my Mind

While I don't always have a lot to say about our journey to finding Hope, she is always on my mind. I wear a ring that says "hope". I have several necklaces that say "hope". My "hope tree" is still up in my kitchen with many ornaments, plus other items that continue to be given to me bearing the message "hope".

There are times I feel myself almost becoming panicky thinking that she is out there somewhere and I can't get to her or bring her to me.

But I am reminded, as I have often had to be reminded regarding the rest of my children, God loves her more than I could ever possibly love her. And she is in the palm of His hand.

I can't imagine her being in a better place.

When Hope is Hard to Find

We were listening to Chris Tomlin's "Hello Love" CD in the car the other day and M3 was obviously listening to the words to the song, "Love". The first line is, "When your hope is hard to find . . ." and she repeated it to me, excitedly.

The kids are so aware of the journey we are on. It is so abstract, but at the same time, it is SO real. God is with us in it, and He gives us glimpses of His presence as we take it one day at a time.

Getting in the Game

I have told the kids a little about how I am hoping to adopt, how it will take a long time, and how expensive it is.

We drove by Sonic, and as usual, most everyone was begging to stop and get something.

M2 said, "No, we need to save our money for Hope!"

Tonight M2, M3 and M4 were busy outside with neighbors manning a lemonade stand.

When they closed up shop, M2 and M3 came in and each handed me $1.75. "That's for Hope," they said.

Pondering

In my beginnings post, I mentioned how when the Holy Spirit spoke to me about having another child, I treasured it in my heart, like Mary when the shepherds came to visit Jesus (Luke 2:19).

I didn't realize there is another time in scripture that it says she treasured something being revealed to her about her son. It was read today during the "children's sermon" at church. When Jesus is left behind in Jerusalem at the temple and Mary and Joseph go back to get him. When they ask why and what have you been doing? Jesus answers, "Why were you searching for me? Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" It goes on to say that his parents did not understand. BUT, Mary treasured all these things in her heart. (Luke 2: 48-51)

God has reassured me today. Despite the fact Mary KNEW her child was the Son of God, there were many things she and Joseph did not understand. They were human. And God gradually revealed to them the deity of their child.

I know that Hope is out there. She is meant to be a part of our family. And gradually, God is revealing His plan for her and for us. If He gave it to me all at once, there is no way I could understand it all.

I understand more now that I did two years ago, as we faced Michael's death (two years ago today I went into the hospital to be induced after finding no heartbeat on ultrasound). I understand more than I did one year ago, when I wanted desperately to have another child, but was not pregnant. I understand more than I did last summer, when we suddenly made plans to go to Colorado and the YMCA of the Rockies - the place God promised I would not return before I had another child. But I will understand more next week, next month and next year as God continues to reveal His plan.

And as He does, I will treasure it all in my heart.