Healing from the Pain of Grief

Amy, a friend of mine at church, made a comment to me on Sunday. She told me I looked better than I have in a LONG time. She referred how I looked better than I have, really, since we lost Michael (M5). That was a year and a half ago.

WOW. People must have become accustomed to a new "look" about me since then.

It is true, losing Michael, for me, did indeed age me. I was weary and worn. I didn't doubt God's hand in it for one single minute, but it was still a heavy loss for me to bear.

There were times where I would see a baby who would be about his age, hear a song that reminded me of him, or I would just miss him and I would feel like my heart was literally being ripped from my chest. It was painful.

I would cry out to God to heal my broken heart. There are four kids here on earth who need me to be their mother, too. I couldn't understand why I couldn't let go.

Maybe it was a choice, maybe not. I really FELT like I was trying to let him go.

Amy's comment has stuck with me for the last several days, playing over and over in my mind. I believed her, but just attributed it to the "antibiotics" doing their job. What was the significance in her words that I couldn't shake?

Today it hit me: I am healed. I made it through Michael's due date without a single tear. The songs don't hurt. Babies are cute again. God has answered my prayer and healed my broken heart! And not only is it on the inside, but visible in my countenance as well.

When He woke me up the other night and told me to praise Him for healing me - this was it!! Praise You, God, for healing me!!

Peace

My friend, L, took me to have my CT scan. She insisted that someone come with me, and I was glad she did.

After filling out paperwork and waiting a short time, I was taken back for my scan.

It went quickly and the techs allowed me to get a look at the images, so I would have an idea what to tell Don when I picked him up from the airport.

Yes, indeed, I had a mass. Even the techs seemed surprised at its size.

Here is another excerpt from The Dust Bunny Chronicles:

It is hard to describe my emotion exactly, afterward. But I was not scared. Somehow, I was totally at peace with the whole thing. A peace that passes understanding.

I attribute some (if not all) of that peace to what I believed to be a promise from God. He had given me a desire for another child. He was guiding me toward adoption. There was meant to be a another child in our future.

And I would have to live to see that promise fulfulled.

You have a mass

(from my original blog - thedustbunnychronicles.blogspot.com)

My doctor called first thing this morning. "You have a mass in your lung," she told me. "I am so sorry." She didn't even want to call me. She wanted to call my husband. But she knew he was out of town and she had no choice.

They have scheduled me for a CT scan on Monday.

Should I be worried about this?

I can't tell my husband. He's not due back until Monday, and by then, everything might be O.K. Plus, I hate to ruin the last days of his vacation by causing worry.

(This blog didn't exist yet, so he couldn't have found out here.)

I worry a little on my own, with a few friends and my parents. But worrying is not in my nature. I am the eternal optimist. Surely, everything will be alright. (I did start taking the antibiotics, just to be on the safe side . . .)

Disappointment

We went to Colorado, to the YMCA of the Rockies, and I was not pregnant. Not only that, but I was sick. Little did I know just how sick I was.

I started considering that possibly there was a child out there God had just for us. He or She existed. He or She may have already been conceived or born. Maybe He spoke to me about adoption on my birthday for a reason.

We're going to Colorado?

Within weeks after my birthday, we were planning a trip to Colorado to include a stop at the YMCA of the Rockies.

I thought about what I had heard God say to me last time we were there and assumed I would be pregnant by the time we got there. If I was going to have another child, surely that was what He has meant, right?

God, I'm MAD!

Today was my birthday. The longer the day went, the madder I got.

I was VERY ANGRY at God. I missed Michael terribly. It was my birthday and I was so sad. I had to get out of the house. I left the family eating pizza at the table and went for a walk with Feller (our dog). I walked and had it out with God.

As I walked, and prayed, and cried, God impressed upon me that I should talk to Don about adoption. I felt a great peace about it, but for some reason, I didn't tell Don.

I think, deep down inside, I felt like as long as I was still "fertile" why couldn't I just "have" another child?

The beginning

Michael was gone. We said goodbye months ago. And although the grief was still new and the pain piercing at times, thoughts of him did not consume me every minute of every day anymore.

We took our usual summer vacation. Once again, visiting Colorado and the YMCA of the Rockies.

God was gracious and we were able to book a cabin at the last minute for the days we wanted.

A cabin on the YMCA grounds offers many benefits: privacy, a full kitchen, plenty of space inside and out, a spacious balcony with sweeping views of the Rocky Mountains in the not-too-far distance. Hands down, the children's favorite part of having a cabin is exploring and excavating just down the steps from our lodging. The only negative to this pasttime is the small risk of mountain lions in the area.

For that reason, on this day, I was watching their adventures from above on the balcony when God spoke to me. I know it was God and not my own human desires, because I was completely focused on my living, breathing children at that moment.

He said, "the next time you are here, you will have another child."

As I have learned to do with things God chooses to reveal to me, I treasured it in my heart. Just as Mary did after the birth of Jesus. People were coming and worshipping her son. While she knew he was the son of God, she was still human and could not fully understand what it all meant until much later. Only when God chose to reveal more to her, could she truly appreciate what was being said and done in those days of shepherds and wise men.

I could not possibly grasp what God intended for me to know fully in that moment. So I chose not to analyze what God had spoken to me any further than to consider how it would be a long time before we come back here. And anything can happen in a long time.