In the Fullness of Time

It was during this time two years ago that God first spoke to me specifically about Hope.

Two years.

There are times I am thinking about her and all I can pray is, "Where is she, God?" I see a need for her in each and all of our lives.

And yet, it isn't time yet. For her or for us. We will be together in "the fullness of time."

God has promised, and He is faithful.

Thought for the Day

I received a devotional book last week at my first treatment and left it in my "chemo bag", the bag I bring with me to treatments that has my Snuggie and neck pillow in it.

I ahve been sitting here at my second treatment thinking about Hope. Wondering what to do next.

I pulled out they book and there were the words of encouragement I needed:

You are my beloved child. I chose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with me along paths designated uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that my plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.

Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.

Ephesians 1:4; Proverbs 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11; Ephesians 1:13-14

The last sentence really sums it up for me. All in God's time.

Beautiful in its time

We watched "The Blind Side" tonight and I was on the verge of tears throughout. I have wanted to see the movie ever since listening to Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech for Best Actress at the Oscars.

The thing that got me was when she said that she "would like to thank what this film is about for me which are the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from".

I want to be one of those mommas!

Watching the movie tonight, it felt like I was watching me. There is somebody out there I am longing to love. It just isn't time yet. And when it is time, God will make it happen. And despite my fears, it will be beautiful. No just for me or for the child alone, but for our entire family.

He has made every thing beautiful in his time. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Holding on to Hope

The most amazing blog entry EVER on hope . . .

Keeping the Faith

I don't know if it is just the time of year, but my hope was waning this time last year, too.

You would think it would be a time of increased faith and hope and joy.

Maybe, partially, it has been nearly a year since my treatments ended, and nearly a year since I started earnestly longing for the reality of Hope in our lives.

Yet, it seems, we are no closer to seeing or understanding how it is she is to become real to us.

Thankfully, God is very REAL, especially at this time of year.

And he uses the season to infuse me with hope from His word. Here are some verses I have heard read this month that have significance to me in this journey:

"But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:19

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 (This was the verse God gave me for Michael when I was first pregnant with him. It took on great meaning as we learned what it meant to be "saved". Also, God revealved to me last month the significance of the verse's location: 3:17. It is also Michael's birthday 3/17/07.)

And I continue to receive gifts of hope, from Kim, Marie, my Mom and M3. They adorn my home and serve as reminders not to give up. To keep the faith.

Adoption ban lifted

I just received an email from the Guatamala adoption yahoo group I am a member of linking an article that confirms the ban has been lifted.

I don't know what to think about that. It seems to be settled in my heart that adoption was not the route we would take.

All I can do is continue to pray . . .

Heart turning

God is changing my heart again.

I am now nearly a year from being healed from the burden of my grief of losing Michael. And a year from feeling called to adopt a child.

Now I am feeling called NOT to adopt.

I think God wants me to have another baby.

My body is healed. I have waited faithfully (although not always gracefully.) And my heart is not aching for a Guatemalan baby anymore.

It would be nice just to say things were the same. That I would keep being patient and that eventually Guatemala would open up and we would find Hope there.

But I think, maybe, God was just having me wait to get to this point of health.

I am prayerful that God would even give me my "Christmas present" of not having to do chemo in December because I am pregnant.

I have no doubt, though, that His plan is perfect.