Heart turning

God is changing my heart again.

I am now nearly a year from being healed from the burden of my grief of losing Michael. And a year from feeling called to adopt a child.

Now I am feeling called NOT to adopt.

I think God wants me to have another baby.

My body is healed. I have waited faithfully (although not always gracefully.) And my heart is not aching for a Guatemalan baby anymore.

It would be nice just to say things were the same. That I would keep being patient and that eventually Guatemala would open up and we would find Hope there.

But I think, maybe, God was just having me wait to get to this point of health.

I am prayerful that God would even give me my "Christmas present" of not having to do chemo in December because I am pregnant.

I have no doubt, though, that His plan is perfect.

Good News

regarding my health.

Not only was my quarterly CT scan clear this week, but "there has also been interval improvement/near complete resolution of post-radiation inflammatory changes involving anterior lungs".

Basically, I am cancer free and now almost completely/completely free of any damage from the proton radiation!

There is supposed to be unavoidable burning and permanent damage done when you have radiation. Our thought was, by doing proton, that we would minimize such side effects. But it appears that God has seen fit to heal that completely as well.

I am so thankful!

Michael's 2nd birthday

Today would have been Michael's second birthday.

Some things get easier and some harder as time goes by.

Mickey is getting to be such a big boy now, that I am really missing having a "little one" in the house.

I will always miss Michael being in the house.

Mickey asked recently if Michael was alive, where would he be?

I told him that Michael would be home, with us.

I think Mickey misses Michael being in the house, too.

Patience

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him . . ." Psalm 37:7

I am currently doing a devotional book entitled, The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, which led me to the scripture in Jeremiah 27:11. I am using the Max Lucado Inspirational Study Bible as my Bible for my quiet time, and the following was the "Life Lesson" from the Jeremiah verse:

"The ability to accept delay graciously. Calmly. Quietly. Understandingly. With a smile. If the robe of purity is far above rubies, the garment of patience is even beyond that. Why? Because its threads of unselfishness and kindness are woven on the Lord's loom, guided within our lives by the Spirit of God. But, alas, the garment seldom clothes us!

Remember the verse?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace . . .

And what else? The first three are the necessary style along with the buttons and zipper of the garment. The rest give it color and beauty:

. . . patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control . . .(Galatians 5:22-23)

The ability to accept delay. Or disappointment. To smile back at setbacks and respond with a pleasant, understanding spirit. To cool it while others around you curse it. For a change, I refused to be hassled by today's delay. I asked God to keep me calm and cheerful, relaxed and refreshed. Know what? He did. He really did! No pills. No booze. No hocus-pocus. Just relaxing in the power of Jesus."

From Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life by Charles Swindoll

So I have been linked from hope to patience. I found it very fitting for today.

Hope Deferred

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I am trying to be patient. But my heart is sick. I feel a huge burden of the weight of other people's problems. I am truly, earnestly praying for them. God can take the burden and bear it much better than I can.

Yet somehow, my heart is still sick. I am not sure what it is. Hormones. Chemo. Turning 40.

It has been a long time since my heart hurt this bad. I cried today over Michael. I cried because it seems Hope may never come.

I contemplated taking down the tree. Giving away all my little clothes I have in storage. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

It hasn't been a good day. I pray tomorrow is better.

Two Things

This morning during announcement time at the end of worship, J, a college student, announced that he was going on a mission trip to Guatemala to work in an orphanage.

He is leaving on May 28, four days after I share my testimony through song in worship.

Also, in talking to Don about what we would do while we were in Hawaii (we leave May 29), he mentioned that J.P. and his wife (he was the man sitting across from me when I felt the Holy Spirit direct me to Guatemala as the location for Hope) would be there and that maybe we could go to dinner with them.

I really believe that they (or their family in Guatemala) will be of some assistance to us as we progress on the journey and I am excited to share how God is leading us with them.

How will God use these two things?

Moving Toward God

I was listening to Tony Evans today on KSBJ and he was speaking about the Isrealites.

When they came to the Jordan River, it was parted for them. But only AFTER they followed the instruction of God: "Give this command to the priests who carry the Ark of the Covenant: ‘When you reach the banks of the Jordan River, take a few steps into the river and stop there.’” Joshua 3:8

Tony talked about how sometimes God is ready to make things happen in our lives, often great things, but we have to take that step toward God. We have to hear his instruction and follow it.

That made me think of His calling to me to sing the song, "Our Hope Endures" in church. Being that I have never sung a solo in any kind of public venue, it is a "step" of faith I must take (and a very big one in my book) in order to move towards God and allow Him to work on this journey.

I am scheduled to sing it in church on Sunday, May 24.